DeniseVlogs Official Site

I wrote 5 first sentences to 5 different possible stories. None of them have an official genre attached to it yet. I barely thought any of them out. Let me know which one you would want to hear the rest of the most (or the one you would least mind reading the rest of!):

1 – The lights went out… now we knew we were in trouble.

2 – “Mom…”, was the last thing this little body said before he died in my arms. Without even a second thought, I threw him into the trunk of my car.

3 – Harry was checking his emails and eating his nightly bowl of spaghetti when suddenly the door bell rang.

4 – There he was, singing his annoying little tune and strolling along with that innocent smirk across his face, wearing his cologne that you can smell from a mile away. That cologne that gave Charlotte a chill up her spine.

5 – It’s not a drug, but I’m drawn to it like it is. It’s not a person, but it’s a friend I can count on.

Let me know which one you like, thanks!

… is not a writer at all. It’s just a loser with “ideas” and “no time”.

When in fact that loser has all the time in the fucking world. And the loser knows it.

Sure the loser might have a lot of problems right now. How will the loser pay their rent? How will the loser buy food for them self… and their cat. Can the loser combat loneliness by hanging out at unfulfilling places, with unfulfilling people, and participating in conversations that are… unfulfilling?

Of COURSE the loser has problems. They’re loser. It’s expected.

But don’t be misconstrued by the loser’s articulated view of them self. They feel no self pity. Just self inflicted anger.

WHY have these problems arose? What mistakes were made? Why were these mistakes made? Where is this all going? And most important… why is the loser not writing. After all, that’s what it’s all about… isn’t it?

“See, that’s the difference between me and you. I’m leaving because I’m not made for this kind of environment. In order to live here you have to have an incredible drive and a desire to make all of your decisions around your career. You have to REALLY care about being successful at it. You have that. You really want it and enjoy it. I’m not that person” – Says an outsider.

What’s making them think the loser is doing so much to advance? What has the loser done to deceive this person? Odd.

The loser realizes they are probably talking the talk and painting a picture that is clearly a facade. When did the loser stop walking the walk?

There is nothing like being told you are something admirable and in your heart you know you definitely are not… at least not anymore.

The loser decides to write again. Even though lately the thoughts often turn to mush. They will just write the mush… until it becomes something again.

Maybe then the loser won’t be a loser. No matter what happens.

I think I’m a lunatic. Kind of. Sometimes.

Well, maybe not a lunatic… just an extreme over analyzer. Probably one of the most annoying things someone can be. That’s unfortunate.

I recognize this flaw… but only when someone points it out.

It’s funny because I will stress so hard over my compulsive analyzation about something (nothing in particular… this pertains to SO many situations) and then someone will just take a few moments to point out why I’m being ridiculous and *poof* the stress and crazy thoughts disappear.

I just need to be told once, and suddenly I’m grounded again. Very odd. Makes me wonder why I even need someone to “ground” me in the first place.

Is it insanity?

I think I’m sane. I feel sane.

Is it my obsession with the subtext in the world because of the many writing classes that taught me to pay attention to what people are REALLY saying in order to be a “better” writer?

I wouldn’t doubt that being a contribution.

Is it something I picked up from my mother who seems to believe the world is against her and can turn anything someone says into a negative connotation?

Clearly another contribution.

Or is it just because I’m a female? Are all women like this? Do we all over analyze everything from something someone said to the way a stranger glanced at us when we were wearing “the jeans I think I look fat in”?

Yeah, maybe it’s just a stupid female thing.

I’m sexist.

Whateves yo.

I’m working on it. I want to relax. I want to be CHILL!!!

Is it ironic that I wrote a whole blog analyzing the fact that I over analyze with the conclusion that I do not want to analyze too much? :::shrugs:::

And now a video that kinda sorta pertains to this blog… only not really at all except for the title. YAY!!!

Crazy – Gnarls Barkley

Isn’t it weird how you can COMPLETELY lose memory of an event… and then all of sudden something happens to trigger it and it intensely implants itself back into your brain?

And if this little thing did not trigger your memory… then the memory wouldn’t exist. Might as well have never happened.

Significant memories hold their place in my mind… but there is SO much more in between that has been lost. It’s sad to me to think about how most of my life kind of doesn’t exist because I can’t remember a lot of it.

But I guess it’s the same kind of sad that I feel for the possibility that there is nothing after death. If we just cease to exist.

It’s sad in the conscious thought… but if we can’t actually experience the lack there of then there will be no sadness to experience. Just like if we don’t remember what we’re not remembering… there obviously is no sense of sadness over that loss.

Does that make sense?

It makes sense to me so shut the hell up! Go read someone else’s blog. Pshhh.

I don’t really twitter too much about it … nor really make many videos concerning it… but I’m reaching the end of the line here.

I’m still unemployed.

I was reminded of this unfortunate fact when I came home to a mailbox full of bills. Bills that I just added up… along with my rent… and gas… and food for the month… and realized that it might be time to fold the cards.

If I don’t find some sort of steady income within the next two weeks… I’m going to have 3 options:

1 – Sell my car. (which I probably won’t get much for anyhow)

2 – Leave my apartment and start couch hopping.

3 – Give in and move back to NY.

Unless I win a Ford Fiesta I’m probably not going to go with the 1st option because it’s a bitch to get by in LA without a car. Besides, I really doubt I’d get much for it.

The 3rd option is the most comforting… but I imagine myself doing the 2nd option if I can because I’m a stubborn bitch.

I’ve been so stressed about this for the past few weeks but I don’t really talk about it. I wasn’t sure why I tried to avoid the topic until I finally did really talk about it with my sister the other day and suddenly broke down crying.

I told her not to tell my parents.

I’ve been avoiding them. I talk to them MAYBE once a week now. Normally I would talk to them at least every other day.

I feel bad because it’s not that I don’t miss them or I don’t want to talk to them… I just feel so ashamed that I have no good news to tell them. And they always have a million questions.

“Did you find a job? How are you paying your rent? Why are you even still there? Did you go on any interviews today?…”

It’s too much pressure.

Besides, when I actually did have a good paying job they came up with every stupid excuse for me to move back… now they have real good reasons for me to move back. But I’m doing everything I can to avoid that… I don’t need them tarnishing my thoughts.

I have an interview Tuesday. Hopefully it will go well.

I’m considering applying for part-time jobs now. I wasn’t before because that won’t pay the bills… but I suppose I can try to get two part-time jobs.

It’s okay.

I’m not going to panic.

I know whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

This isn’t a “poor me” blog. I don’t feel bad for myself. I’m where I am right now because of my own actions and decisions and I’m fine with that.

I guess it’s more of a “I’m going to be honest with myself and face that this is what is happening now” blog.

All I can do is search for jobs and interview the best I can for the next two weeks. If it doesn’t go well… decision making time.

It’s cool. Things could be way worse.