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Tonight for the first time in a LONG time I went back out into the “real world”.

I mean… I’ve been outside of my house obviously before tonight. But I haven’t gone out to a PARTY in a very long time.

I went out into a scene I used to be quite familiar with a year ago. An overcrowded club/bar in Hollywood filled with an array of familiar, unfamiliar, and almost forgotten faces.

It was fun. I guess.

Hearing “so what are you doing now?” was pretty irritating and redundant until after my fourth drink.

After my fourth drink it also started to actually be fun to hug and kiss people I barely even spoke to when I saw them on a daily basis.

People are funny.

You look the way you think you’re supposed to look and say the things you think they want to hear… and hope to fit in and not look awkward and uncomfortable.

Then sneak outside for a cigg and a mini panic attack.

Go back inside to get lost in the sweaty crowd until you finally find an open airy spot… where the creepy man that you refused a drink from earlier comes to find you. Politely smile and escape back into the heavy crowd you so desperately pushed your way out of before.

Decide you spent your due amount of time here and head out only to be stopped by the girl that has been DYING to talk to you all night. She goes on. You make several attempts to explain that you are on your way out. She goes on anyway.

Someone else walks by that she’s been DYING to talk to. Thank God.

You continue towards the exit as you say “let’s get together soon” to about 50 people you plan on not seeing for another year.

Finally, you’re out.

And then you realize you left your coat in the back room of the club.

No wonder I’m addicted to the internet.

This is going to be sort of an emo blog.

Well… not really. I don’t know. I guess you’ll be the judge of that.

I can’t sleep anymore. I haven’t been able to sleep normally without the aide of sleeping pills or without forcing myself to stay awake for 24 hrs since September.

So for almost half a year I’ve been having this problem. I never really thought about why it was happening… I just dealt with it.

I used to blame it on my fairly new internet addiction.

But very recently I realized that I’m not ALWAYS on the internet when I’m awake late at night. Sometimes I occupy myself with cleaning, reading, writing, etc.

And tonight, as my head begins to feel light and my eyelids become heavy as a result of 4 advil pms… I find myself fighting it off and wanting to stay awake. For no good reason. I’m not doing anything… well, I’m writing this blog right now… but I’m not doing anything that is worth staying awake for.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because I don’t want tomorrow to come. Not in a suicidal way… but because I’m still holding onto today.

I don’t want my life to waste away with nothing to show for it. I’m not done with today. I haven’t accomplished anything today. If tomorrow comes, today is over.

That might sound ridiculous but it makes sense to me.

I’m scared of waking up and being 40 years old and not having a sense of accomplishment. Still having that “one day I’ll be proud” feeling.

I guess I have to go to sleep and hope I’ll do something tomorrow to progress towards that proud day.

But what if that day never comes?