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Tonight for the first time in a LONG time I went back out into the “real world”.

I mean… I’ve been outside of my house obviously before tonight. But I haven’t gone out to a PARTY in a very long time.

I went out into a scene I used to be quite familiar with a year ago. An overcrowded club/bar in Hollywood filled with an array of familiar, unfamiliar, and almost forgotten faces.

It was fun. I guess.

Hearing “so what are you doing now?” was pretty irritating and redundant until after my fourth drink.

After my fourth drink it also started to actually be fun to hug and kiss people I barely even spoke to when I saw them on a daily basis.

People are funny.

You look the way you think you’re supposed to look and say the things you think they want to hear… and hope to fit in and not look awkward and uncomfortable.

Then sneak outside for a cigg and a mini panic attack.

Go back inside to get lost in the sweaty crowd until you finally find an open airy spot… where the creepy man that you refused a drink from earlier comes to find you. Politely smile and escape back into the heavy crowd you so desperately pushed your way out of before.

Decide you spent your due amount of time here and head out only to be stopped by the girl that has been DYING to talk to you all night. She goes on. You make several attempts to explain that you are on your way out. She goes on anyway.

Someone else walks by that she’s been DYING to talk to. Thank God.

You continue towards the exit as you say “let’s get together soon” to about 50 people you plan on not seeing for another year.

Finally, you’re out.

And then you realize you left your coat in the back room of the club.

No wonder I’m addicted to the internet.

This is going to be sort of an emo blog.

Well… not really. I don’t know. I guess you’ll be the judge of that.

I can’t sleep anymore. I haven’t been able to sleep normally without the aide of sleeping pills or without forcing myself to stay awake for 24 hrs since September.

So for almost half a year I’ve been having this problem. I never really thought about why it was happening… I just dealt with it.

I used to blame it on my fairly new internet addiction.

But very recently I realized that I’m not ALWAYS on the internet when I’m awake late at night. Sometimes I occupy myself with cleaning, reading, writing, etc.

And tonight, as my head begins to feel light and my eyelids become heavy as a result of 4 advil pms… I find myself fighting it off and wanting to stay awake. For no good reason. I’m not doing anything… well, I’m writing this blog right now… but I’m not doing anything that is worth staying awake for.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because I don’t want tomorrow to come. Not in a suicidal way… but because I’m still holding onto today.

I don’t want my life to waste away with nothing to show for it. I’m not done with today. I haven’t accomplished anything today. If tomorrow comes, today is over.

That might sound ridiculous but it makes sense to me.

I’m scared of waking up and being 40 years old and not having a sense of accomplishment. Still having that “one day I’ll be proud” feeling.

I guess I have to go to sleep and hope I’ll do something tomorrow to progress towards that proud day.

But what if that day never comes?

Titles are a bitch. I’m capable of writing a whole blog in a few minutes, shoot and edit a video in an hour, and write an entire feature length script in a few months… but to come up with a title is always the hardest part.

I wrote a screenplay that placed in a few different writing competitions and has gotten me writing jobs on more than one occasion. In the three years that I was submitting this script to different festivals and using it as an example of my work for writing gigs, I almost never changed anything within the actual 106 page script itself. I changed the title 5 times. And for the first 6 months it was “untitled”.

A title needs to embody everything you are trying to get across in your work AND it needs to be intriguing at the same time. It needs to have meaning and it needs to be attractive. If it is completely irrelevant or very difficult to associate with the work, then that takes away from audiences’ experience because they feel deceived. If it’s relevant but dull, the audience won’t even have the experience.

It’s a bitch.

I’m rambling.

That’s because I wasn’t really meaning to write about titles when I opened up my website to create an entry. This just kind of happened because I’ve been sitting here staring into space for the past 10 minutes trying to think of a fucking title.

I don’t know why I did that. Everyone knows titles makes more of an impact if you create something first, let it sink in, and then derive it from your afterthoughts.

Also, I don’t know why I did that because I’m fairly certain only 20 people read this site… at best. And only 1 person is still reading up until this point. No, not my mom. She stopped reading after the first paragraph.

Hmm interesting… I couldn’t start this blog entry because I couldn’t think of a title. Then I started writing about how I couldn’t think of a title because it was pissing me off. I was planning on deleting all of this because sometimes I rant to myself about something first and then begin to write what I really was meaning to write… but this time I got so into my little thoughts about titles that I forgot what I was trying to title.

To paraphrase – I forgot what I wanted to write and I am insane.

Well then, maybe I WAS meaning to write about titles.

If you’re STILL reading up until this point… TITS OR GTFO!

I have been losing my mind over this NY/LA debate!

I know you guys are probably like “oh boo friggen hoo”. But I don’t give a fuck! This is my life. And this is my blog. So this is where I talk about stuff in my life. So fuck off, bitch.

Sorry. Sorry didn’t mean to be harsh. I’m just a little edgy today!

Yesterday I had it all worked out. Psyched to move back to New York on March 1st. Planned on doing another cross country road trip, only this time I was going to do it with my sister and it had a goal… move my shit back to Brooklyn.

I was pumped. I felt in my heart it was the right thing to do and on top of that I had over 150 comments on my last video saying NY ftw.

But then… THEN… last night I spoke to a friend. Mr.Shaycarl. While everyone is treating me like a little pussycat that needs to be stroked and told “it’s okay to go back to New York”… he really stuck it to me.

He straight up told me I’m a failure if I go back to NY now. I haven’t really done much in LA and that I’m missing out on big opportunities. I’m a coward if I go back now. It really REALLY struck a chord in me. Made me feel like Michael J Fox from Back To The Future. Cuz ain’t nobody gonna call me YELLOW!

Please see the video below for further reference on that last sentence:

This idea of failure seriously resonated in me after our conversation. I had NIGHTMARES about it last night. I dreamt that I was sitting at a dinner table with my family and a bunch of my dads friends. His friends say,”So Denise, I hear you live in LA”. My dad responded,”No, Denise is back home with us now! We’re so happy to have her back!”. Family smiles. I smile. Then my dads friends say,”Oh… so you’re a FAILURE! (then this echoes over and over and over and over and over.).

AHHHHH NOOOOOOO NOOOOOO!!!!!!

Woke up in a cold sweat.

I’m not mad at Shay. Not at all. In fact I think he’s amazing for being so honest with me and really standing up for what he believes in for me. I’m sure a bunch of people were thinking this but wouldn’t say it out loud.

Now… this doesn’t exactly mean I’ve decided to permanently stay in LA. I’m STILL not sure exactly what this means.

I just know it means I’m willing to do anything to avoid the term “failure”.

And that’s it for an update on my life decisions at the moment. To be continued… but necessarily here… to be continued on YouTube, Twitter and my brain.

Have you thought about it before? What would happen if you just… disappeared?

No no no… I’m not talking about killing yourself. That’s ridiculous. If you’ve thought about THAT than I recommend thinking about something else… because THAT is nonsense.

But I’m talking about deleting yourself from the internet world.

Sometimes I think about signing on and just deleting EVERYTHING. My youtube, facebook, myspace, twitter, email addresses. Even the aim name that I’ve had for almost 10 years now. Wow. 10 Years. I’ve had the same aim name for a DECADE.

What would happen if I committed internet suicide?

Nothing I guess. Probably the same thing that happens when you commit real suicide. People forget and move on. Only with internet suicide I doubt anyone will hold a wake or shiva.

If I deleted all of that stuff… there would barely be any reason to go on the internet ever again. Except to research things.

How would it affect me REALLY? Would it even matter?

Hmm.